My job as a preschool teacher was a job I LOVED with a passion. The kids totally made my day and I've developed amazing relationship with some of the parents. I enjoyed what I did, I worked at home on art projects, fun games and activites for the kids, finding ways to get the kids to have fun and learn at the same time. And for the longest time, I felt like I was good at what I did. I never questioned whether I was good with children, or interacting with them or their parents. I never had a reason to. I never doubted my abilities as a teacher or educator. Not until the person running the business decided to take all that and throw it away for me. Pointing out that I could no longer work up to my potential because of my health, not being able to give the children what they needed because of how I was feeling physically. Nevermind the fact that I gave my ALL to those kids when I was there. They never heard me complain once about the work load (and it was a HEAVY load most of the time), about the size of our classroom and the amount of kids, or the slack that my co-workers and I had to pick up for the lack of structure in the other preschool room. I did it, because I knew if I didn't, the kids would suffer.
So I got out of being a preschool teacher. Mainly because I wasn't about to stay at a place who can stab you in the back in the blink of an eye. A place I worked at for 10 long years, a place I use to love going to each day. And also because I thought maybe I wasn't as good as what I did as I thought.
I went in a whole new direction, into a job that I had NO expierence in whatsoever. I had no idea what I was doing when I started my new job. I had never done the things I was being asked to do and once again, I was doubting myself, I was nervous, unsure, and not feeling the greatest about myself. But luckily for me, I have an amazing co-worker (who is also my sister!) and a really incredible boss (who I ABSOLUTELY ADORE!). I'm still not use to Doug (my boss) telling me "good job" or "nice work", or being able to joke and laugh with him and his dad (the owner). We're like a little family of four and I LOVE it. But I do miss being with kids and teaching them and interacting with them the way I did....I just don't know if I can go back to that with all the doubts in my head.
Another area I was always so sure about, and would defend myself to the death to, was my ability as a mother. I just KNEW I was a good mother, I knew Camden was getting what he needed. He was thriving, he was happy, he was healthy. I did everything a mother is suppose to and more. Camden became my world the day he was born and I lived for him. Not a decision was made without thinking of him first. Maybe some would say I doted on him too much, but as a mother who longed for a child, a mother who stared cancer in the face and didn' t know if she could ever concieve, I wanted Camden to know how very much I wanted him. I want to spoil him, give him the world, make him as happy as I can. Keep him safe and comfortable, no matter the cost. Isn't that what being a mother is all about? Do I put him on time out? Yes. Does he get in trouble from time to time? Yes. I'm a mother, but I'm also not an idiot when it comes to letting your child run the house hold. But still...
These days it seems, in certain people's eyes, that I make some very poor choices when it comes to Camden. That I don't do things they way they think I should. If I would do this or that, then Camden wouldn't act this way or that way. That I'm too protective of him and shelter him too much, that I need to be tougher with him. He's 2 freakin' years old! He's still a baby, MY baby. But of course, the questions swirl in my mind of whether I've made bad decicions along the way, whether I'm doing irreversable damage to my son by the choices that I've made or am making.
A million question marks swim through my head on a daily basis, a million questions that I can't answer....but then again...who doesn't.
No comments:
Post a Comment