Random acts of...randomness....

Things that drive me insane....can you relate to any of these?

*Getting up at 1:00 in the morning to go to the bathroom and stepping in cat litter...in my bare feet. Now I understand cats gotta do what they gotta do. However...must they fling cat litter halfway across the bathroom. Thinking it might be time to potty train the cats.

*People who post EVERY last detail of their life, problems, aches and pains, etc on facebook and myspace. Like seriously, there are just some things that aren't meant to be shared, some things that people have no desire to hear about and don't care to hear about. Take an amazing vacation? Then yes! Post away, let's see some pictures. Got a hangnail and want people to feel bad for you....think again.

*Unsolicitated parenting advice...from people who don't even have children. I don't care if you work with kids, have a degree in child development, or whatever. You can't even BEGIN to understand what it's like to have your own child until you become a parent. All those "Well when I have kids this, this, and this is gonna happen" go right out the window. Think you can do better? Take my child for a week and let me know how you make it.

*People who don't say "Thank you" when you hold the door open for them at a store or restaurant. Really? Have manners gone the way of stirrup pants? Or when they walk into a store right in front you, see you coming and just let the door shut on you. And people wonder why kids are so rude...look at their examples.

*Being stared at. Number one pet peeve, hands down. As Jeremy tells me, "You wouldn't know they were staring at YOU if you wouldn't be staring at THEM." No. You can tell when someone is staring at you and it drives me nuts. Wanna compliment me? Talk to me? Yell at me? Then just freakin' do it, cause otherwise you're ticking me off.

*Parents who scream and slap their kids in public. So NOT the place to do it. Number one, you're humiliating not only yourself, but your child. Feel the need to disicipline them? Take them to the bathroom or outside to the car. Don't call them every name in the book and curse at them where half the store can hear you. You end up looking like a fool...and sounding like one as well. And it makes other people wonder how you treat your kids at home if you can be so cruel and malicious in public.

*Attention whores. People who do whatever they can to get attention, which are usually the same people who post every last detail of their life on facebook. Or the people who can't stand having someone else get attention for even a second. They always have to find some way to "one-up" them. You sick? I'm sicker? Does your job suck? Mine is worse. Is your child a brat? let me tell you about mine.Just buy a house? Check out my new place. New car? Well look what I just drove home. Or the people who just constantly mope around, "Poor poor me, look at horrible me life is." ME. ME. ME. That's what it boils down to.  I don't know if these people are that selfish or just that insecure that they have to constantly be in the spotlight.

*When the audio and visual on a tv show or movie are out of sync. I can't stand seeing the people's mouth move and then 5 seconds later the sound comes out. Surely in today's world of technology there has to be a way to fix that, no?


Now...for things that I absolutely ADORE:

*Christmas. The music, the lights, the decorations. Buying presents for my child (and other beloved folks in my life). Sure...half the population is extra grouchy, but there's that other half who share in the same magic of the holiday as I do. When you have a child, that magic is magnified times 10...


*The beach. The sun, the sand, the ocean, the boardwalk. *sigh* I don't even care that my hair goes haywire when I'm there, I'm too busy loving every minute of being there.

*When my son speaks. He has a better vocabulary then some adults. And the facial expressions when he talks...oh my. Example of some of his finer moments:
            ~ to his 6 year old cousin when he wanted on her swing, "Ain't fair Emmy, I swing."
          ~ While eating a green apple popsicle "I not like that, it's sour." This is one of those "gotta see the facial expressions" moments.
          ~When he asked his daddy "Daddy got a peckie? I see it." Jeremy was not amused.
          ~ To cars that go up and down our road, "Slow down fast car, cop get you." ahaha

*Reading those horrid gossip magazines. I get lost reading about Brad and Angelina, the next Teen Mom, or who is dating who. It's my escape from reality.

*Speaking of reality...love me some reality tv.  Big Brother, Survivor, Jerseylicious, and yes, even some of those horrendous shows on MTV.

Crazy. Sexy. Cancer.

Crazy? Yeah, you probably get that. But sexy? When it comes to talking about cancer? Yeah, that's kind of what I thought too when I first heard the words used together. It didn't make sense to me either...until I read the book Crazy Sexy Cancer Survivor by Kris Carr. Absolutely amazing book, and as a cancer survivor I found myself yelling, on many occassions, "YES!!! Now I get it." So...I wanted to help others, both cancer survivors and non-cancer survivors "get it" as well...read on for some of my favorites...

*There are no hard and fast rules on how to deal with a diagnosis. When you're newly diagnosed, everyone who loves you wigs out, not just you. Friendships shift (or tank as I've found out). Family roles and dynamics change (once again, my parents were caring for me even though I was 23, 24, and 25 when I had my cancer and reoccurances), sometimes forever. But YOU ARE NOT cancer.

*Just as we think no one can understand what we go through, the same holds true for the people who hold our hand through the tough stuff. These people are our fierce earth angels and co-survivors. It's very easy to get caught up in your own drama, as a cancer patient and forget other people's sufferings. Though our co-survivor's aren't riding the mechanical dragon like we are, standing dangerously close to the flames still leave them singed.

*Sharing your cancer tale may lead to an overwhelming feelings of needing to take care of the fragile person in front of you. Take the attention-demanding relative/friend. You pray they never find out because you know they'll hijack your diagnosis and make it about them. You are not responsible for other people's reactions, however, if you deal well, so will they. It they don't, well then you're not responsible for mopping up their mania. Sounds harsh, but I've been down this road. Of course people are going to be scared and upset, it's the overly dramatic "how can I use this person's illness to my advantage and to gain attention on myself. " And yes, I have dealt with those kind of people and sometimes dealing with the overly emotional person you just told is more exhausting then dealing with cancer itself.

*But sometimes judgement knocks and no one's home. There's a perception that sick looks and sounds a certain way., like if my tumors were on the outside it would make sense. Because they are invisible to the people on the outside, it's akward. Perhaps I should have carried around a sick person accessory . Pop an IV pole out of my pocketbook and wheel it around just so people know. Such comments and people do exsist. For example:
-I had one person tell me, "You don't look like you have cancer." Really? You don't look like an idiot, but apparently you are.
-Right before going on a 2 week medical leave, in which I was having surgery to once again remove cancerous tumors from my neck area, I had a co-worker tell me, "It must be nice to have a 2 weeks vacation." My response? "I'm having surgery for cancer.", and she came back with "Yeah, but still." A slap to the head was in order, but I was ready to spend any time in jail for assault, so I chalked it up to her being a complete moron.

*Try to explore and indulge the feelings of "Why me?" for no more then three days, and then move on. Not to say you can't revisit those emotions again. Cancer is a roller coaster: One minute you're up, the next you're plummeting to the ground. Family and friends may imagine that you're exaggerating the toll that your "battle" has taken on you, especially, if like in the above mentioned, you don't look sick. Well guess what? They're wrong. When you've been to the border of your mortality, a little loving rehabilitation is damn well in order!

* I went through a phase in which so-called healthy people made me bitter. I judged everybody: Look at that jackass at twelve o'clock. He's chain smoking and I'm  the one with cancer. Or how about the hot dog eating bimbo at work? How can she doesn't have to find the humor in the tumor just to get by? The worst is when you see a pure that's just pure child-molesting, granny hurting bad, and they're healthy as a horse. That's the ultimate slap in the face. It can be really depressing being the "sick" chick.  While everyone else builds castles in the sandbox, you're banished to the outside holding your pink plastic shovel and a pail full of cancer cooties. Cancer isn't contagious, but apparently ignorance and stupidity are.

*Cancer pushes all our insecurities to the surface. The first think I worried about during my diagnosis was" Will I lose my hair"? The second thing was "Will I die?"-second! That's how important my hair is/was to me. As it turned out, my hair stayed untouched but my self confidence plummeted. I still recognized the girl in the mirror, but I sensed that a part of her had gone missing. I wanted to stick a picture of myself on a milk carton and hope that someone would relocate me intact.  Sometimes, no matter how much you know you should focus on your inner beauty, you can't get past what you see on the outside.

Cancer isn't fun. No one wants to go through it or prays they get it. But you realize when you're in the throes of being a cancer patient that you need to do something  besides wallow in your self-pity and "What ifs" And believe it or not, I've had plenty of "look back and laugh" moments...for example:

*My dear friend Connie told me that now I could dress up as a Pez dispenser for Halloween, seeing as I had such a cool scar on my neck. Ha!

*I had the most adorable homosexual nurse at the Hershey medical center, he was amazing. He got me up to go to the bathroom and said, "Oh hold on honey, your backend if sticking out. Don't want anyone getting a good look at that." And he was sweet enough to rub my back as I puked into a bed pan, "let it out honey". Loved that nurse! Reminded me so much of the Intern Ross from Jay Leno.

*While at Harrisburg General having my surgery, an INCREDIBLY attractive young doctor came in to take the drain out of my chest. He walked out to get something and I said to my mother, "My hair is a freakin' mess and they send him in here to look at my chest?!" and then I desperatley tried to fix my hair.

* I got loopy off the pain meds and SWORE someone was on my parents porch trying to break in. I laid on the couch in my parents living room at 2 in the morning trying to call for my dad (I had lost my voice due to the surgery and could barely whisper let alone yell!). But he graciously got up to check as I "yelled" "Don't go out there!"

So yeah. Cancer is crazy, we all know that, but with the right attitude, I believe anyone make it Sexy as well :)

Where did the question marks come from? And how do I get rid of them?!

I've always been someone who questioned herself on a daily basis, about everything. Does my hair look ok? Does this shirt match these pants? Schooling or no schooling? The list goes on and on. But there have always been 2 areas of my life that I felt fairly confident in...until recently.
My job as a preschool teacher was a job I LOVED with a passion. The kids totally made my day and I've developed amazing relationship with some of the parents. I enjoyed what I did, I worked at home on art projects, fun games and activites for the kids, finding ways to get the kids to have fun and learn at the same time. And for the longest time, I felt like I was good at what I did. I never questioned whether I was good with children, or interacting with them or their parents. I never had a reason to. I never doubted my abilities as a teacher or educator. Not until the person running the business decided to take all that and throw it away for me. Pointing out that I could no longer work up to my potential because of my health, not being able to give the children what they needed because of how I was feeling physically. Nevermind the fact that I gave my ALL to those kids when I was there. They never heard me complain once about the work load (and it was a HEAVY load most of the time), about the size of our classroom and the amount of kids, or the slack that my co-workers and I had to pick up for the lack of structure in the other preschool room. I did it, because I knew if I didn't, the kids would suffer.
So I got out of being a preschool teacher. Mainly because I wasn't about to stay at a place who can stab you in the back in the blink of an eye. A place I worked at for 10 long years, a place I use to love going to each day. And also  because I thought maybe I wasn't as good as what I did as I thought.
I went in a whole new direction, into a job that I had NO expierence in whatsoever. I had no idea what I was doing when I started my new job. I had never done the things I was being asked to do and once again, I was doubting myself, I was nervous, unsure, and not feeling the greatest about myself. But luckily for me, I have an amazing co-worker (who is also my sister!) and a really incredible boss (who I ABSOLUTELY ADORE!). I'm still not use to Doug (my boss) telling me "good job" or "nice work", or being able to joke and laugh with him and his dad (the owner). We're like a little family of four and I LOVE it. But I do miss being with kids and teaching them and interacting with them the way I did....I just don't know if I can go back to that with all the doubts in my head.

Another area I was always so sure about, and would defend myself to the death to, was my ability as a mother. I just KNEW I was a good mother, I knew Camden was getting what he needed. He was thriving, he was happy, he was healthy. I did everything a mother is suppose to and more. Camden became my world the day he was born and I lived for him. Not a decision was made without thinking of him first. Maybe some would say I doted on him too much, but as a mother who longed for a child, a mother who stared cancer in the face and didn' t know if she could ever concieve, I wanted Camden to know how very much I wanted him. I want to spoil him, give him the world, make him as happy as I can. Keep him safe and comfortable, no matter the cost. Isn't that what being a mother is all about? Do I put him on time out? Yes. Does he get in trouble from time to time? Yes. I'm a mother, but I'm also not an idiot when it comes to letting your child run the house hold. But still...
These days it seems, in certain people's eyes, that I make some very poor choices when it comes to Camden. That I don't do things they way they think I should. If I would do this or that, then Camden wouldn't act this way or that way. That I'm too protective of him and shelter him too much, that I need to be tougher with him. He's 2 freakin' years old! He's still a baby, MY baby. But of course, the questions swirl in my mind of whether I've made bad decicions along the way, whether I'm doing irreversable damage to my son by the choices that I've made or am making.
A million question marks swim through my head on a daily basis, a million questions that I can't answer....but then again...who doesn't.

20 Things You May, Or May Not, Know About Me....Read On Friends!

1. I am completely addicted to magazines (Glamour, In Touch, Cosmo, etc) and reality tv shows. Some of my favorites:
*Jerseylicious
*American Idol (not really reality, but along the same lines)
*Big Brother
*Survivor
*Dog: The Bounty Hunter

2. Something else I'm obsessed with? Grey's Anatomy...I'd like to thank my sister-in-law for getting me hooked. She let me watch Season 2, and that was it!

3. My dream job would be a party planner or wedding planner. Love, love, love throwing and planning parties, and weddings are even better!

4. I love books...but I'm super picky. If I don't like the cover (and yes, I know the old saying "Never judge a book by it's cover" whatever), then I won't even read the back to see what it's about.  I could literally spend hours at Borders.

5. I believe music is the best way to say what's on your mind and in your heart without actually having to come out and say it. I love music and can't really say I have a favorite genre or artist...there are just too many to pick from.

6. Naps...Lord how I love my naps....aha.

7. If I won the lottery, I'd sell my house, move to Outer Banks, and live there without a care in the world.

8. I'm not too proud to admit that my 5 1/2 year old niece, 16 month old nephew, and 22 month old son have me wrapped around all their fingers. But I take pride in the fact that I am one hell on an awesome aunt and a pretty freakin' awesome mama.

9. Southern and boston accents are the sexiest accents...which is why I married a boy from Tennessee...:)

10. I played volleyball when I was a teenager and into my 20's. I miss it...terribly.

11. Cancer picked the wrong Bit$# to mess with! I was diagnosed with Stage 4 (the worst there is) papillary carcinoma thyroid cancer in 2003, it was active for 3 years. 3 surgeries and 2 radiation treatments later, the doc has said it's currently "inactive", whatever that means ha.

12. Although not as big of a fan as I use to be....I loved going to Nascar races. Yeah, maybe a bit redneck, but it's SO much better going to see a live race. So who's my favorite? Elliott Sadler...love that Virginia accent...and he's cute!

13. My son's name is Camden, and regardless of what his daddy says, Camden Yards had a LOT to do with his name. I'm a huge Orioles fan....loyal even in these trying times lol.

14. Some of the men I find most attractive:
*Lee DeWyze
*Brian Roberts (Orioles 2nd baseman)
*Jesse Williams (Avery on Grey's)
*Eric Dane (Mark on Grey's)
*Justin Chambers (Alex on Grey's)
*Chris Daughtry
*Daniel Adair
*Kris Allen (Drummer for Nickelback)
*Danny Gokey
the list goes on....

15. Greatest concert ever? Nickelback, Staind, and Daughtry. Nickelback, 3 Days Grace, Buckcherry, Papa Roach, Saving Abel. I've seen Nickelback in concert 3 times and they are AMAZING each time.

16. I'm totally attracted to guys who;
*have tattoos, tasteful tattoos
*wear white hats, preferrably backwards
*have GREAT eyes and GORGEOUS smiles.

17. I dream about tornadoes ALL. THE. TIME. I am terrified of tornadoes...not so much during the day, but at night when i can't see what's happening. Oddly enough, "Twister" and "The Wizard Of Oz" are 2 of my favorite movies lol

18. I sing...loudly...in the car, in the shower, in the house. Wherever I am, with whatever song is on. Am I good? Heck no, but I sing anyways :)

19. I think the "old" shows are SOO much better then most of what's on tv these days. Examples:
*The Golden Girls
*Roseanne
*Three's Company
*Saved By The Bell
*Who's The Boss

20. I sleep with more pillows then anyone I know. Current count? 5